Three years, two hours, and 19 minutes ago I suffered a mild concussion from a car accident. I had just bought this new car after my first big raise at my job. I named them “Patsy Klein” for my Grandmother who passed a couple months prior.
She loved Patsy Cline and since I am German and the car was small, I thought “Klein” was a cute pun. I was notorious for buying cheap, crappy, old cars and she always hated it. My previous car before I bought Klein— my beloved 2008 Honda Fit below — was a 1988 Buick La Sabre, that I tore the headliner out of because it was full of old dust from glue and weighed three times as much as Klein, as it was solid steal. I would not be here today if it was not for Klein. I owe them my life, and I am grateful for the protection they gave me on one of my worst days.
On the day of the accident, I was running late. At my old job, I used to work from home. I was running a status meeting for the one big project I had. I had this meeting every Tuesday morning at 9:30 AM and they were always a drag. They were one of my least favorite parts of my job and always put me in a mood. I bought a big iced coffee for putting up with it before I hit the road right after the meeting to get to the office in time for my next meeting.
It was quite a drive — typically an hour and a half sometimes more — and preferred to go in later to avoid the morning rush. At around 10:30 AM I was already on the road heading north bound on I-295 around Bordentown when a trucker who was not paying attention, started to merge into my lane and knocked me into the grass. It had rained the day before and the grass was wet. I was listening to classical music on WRTI. I remember months later I went on a crazed search to find the piece of music that was playing at the time of the accident. I never found it.
When I hit the grass, I lost all control the car. I was already trying to pass this truck because I could tell they were not paying attention, which meant I was driving pretty fast. Easily 80–90mph. When I hit the guard rail my air bags instantly went off as I flew forward and the coffee I was drinking went everywhere. Months later the car still smelled like coffee. I remember thinking “oh no.. oh NO is this happening?” as I clenched my neck to brace for impact.
“oh no.. oh NO is this happening?”
I spun around close to three times, each time hitting the guard rail. I hit the left side of my head against the window of the drivers side door at least twice. I think sometime around this point is when I got the concussion. I do not remember what else happened.
I remember the feeling so clearly of losing control, a few seconds before the impact. The moment when you realize you cannot do anything, and accepting the pain that is about to come.
The moment when you realize you cannot do anything, and accepting the pain that is about to come.
I am really lucky. For the speed I was traveling at, a direct impact and rapid deceleration at that rate should have killed me. Had I hit it at another angle, I could have gone to oncoming traffic, killing others and most certainly myself. Prior to the accident, I had a habit of not wearing a seat belt. I only started wearing it when I bought Klein because they would yell at me if I didn’t. Klein absorbed the impact like a champ, causing no interior damage. If I had had the Buick, it would have crumpled like a soda can with me in it.
Because of the rain and the slippery grass and the speed I was going, I believe this is why I lost control. For months after I would find clumps of dirt and grass in the wheels. It took me a long time to let go and sell Klein. It took me almost two months until I could get into a car without horribly crying.
I went to the hospital where I had an MRI and diagnosed me with a mild concussion. I thought it was nothing, and went home and fell asleep for close to 30 hours. No one told me there are long term risks associated with concussion. And that concussion is actually a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). And that I should follow up with my Primary Doctor. I worked a half day the next day.
Despite having several witnesses, no one caught the license plate of the person responsible. Because I did not have collision insurance I had no coverage for the accident. A cop told me they sometimes have recordings of highways. When I finally brought myself to look it up, I had missed it. They only keep footage for five days, and I called on the seventh day.
Two years and nine months later, I started having horrible vertigo. I remember the onset clearly. I was sitting at my desk in my office in Old City. I had since gotten a new job and was stressed but generally content with my life. Suddenly, it felt like I was on a really rocky boat. I often worked late and was alone. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. Thinking it was an anxiety attack, I tried to calm myself down and go home. I was familiar with intense anxiety and the weird ways the body can react because of it.
The next day it was gone. But a little bit later, around 2 PM it came back. After a lot of troubleshooting, I was diagnosed with Vestibular Migraine. I was devastated. This is a chronic condition which makes it hard to read, look at a computer, and often means chronic vertigo. I then went to my eye doctor by chance and after a simple test, diagnosed me with convergence inefficiency. She asked if I had a concussion, and said it was likely from this as well as the cause of vestibular and balance problems. I went to a Neuro-Ophthalmologist and they diagnosed me with Post-concussion Syndrome (PCS). I felt a small chance of hope. There was a reason and it hopefully wasn’t gonna be forever and I had a plan.
I still struggle everyday. Some days are better than others. When I push myself too hard I know I will have bad days ahead. I have to do these exercises and wear funny glasses when using a screen. I am currently wearing these glasses as I am typing this. Bright lights are like torture to me. I look at a screen and it pulsates. I go to meetings early so I can turn off the florescent light. I often forget what I am doing. I quit smoking and caffeine. The majority of my weekends I have to spend recovering which means, no screens, lying in bed listening to ebooks and napping.
I never thought I would be here. Three years later, writing scripts to lock my computer after twenty five minutes because I am stubborn and won’t take breaks. Doing exercises with a string trying to get my left eye to stop suppressing my vision, that my cat plays with very annoyingly. Shaking my head and looking at an “X” on a post-it note on a check board background. Using software from 1994 that forces my eyes to use base-in and base-out. Feeling like I am on a boat every. single. day.
But I am here, and that’s something. And I even have a new Honda Fit, named “Mittel” — which is German for Middle.
And I am getting stronger everyday. And I am going to keep fighting.